The hardest question I get asked when I say I don’t drink
This one crops up constantly and I never really know how to answer it...
My name is Laura (LG), I don’t define myself as an alcoholic, but I definitely shouldn’t drink. I’m sitting here now in Manchester with a Heineken 00, and I’m thrilled. Those that know me best know booze isn’t for me and are pleased I no longer drink. From most other people, the hardest and most common question I get asked when I say I no longer drink is ‘oh, do you feel better for it?’ And honestly, I don’t really know how to answer it.
I thought I would feel better. I thought ‘give it 3 months, it’ll be a bit challenging, but then it’ll get easier and soon enough I’ll be the slimmest, fittest, best version of myself’. Well, that’s not what happened. Not even close. I got fat for a start. Which is what happens when you replace booze with a voracious appetite for food, particularly sugar. Insisting on eating coffee cake at breakfast and lunch, because you don’t drink, so apparently that’s now a reasonable thing to do.
Of all the wild actions I’ve taken forth over the years, going alcohol free has been a far more in depth, peculiar, challenging and eye opening experience than I could have imagined. Actually if I’d known it was going to be this challenging there’s every chance I wouldn’t have done it. What I do know is I’m so glad I did.
I’ve learned so much about myself, about ‘big alcohol’, about the choke hold booze has over women in all walks of life. What a monumental time waster it is. Its persona as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Because it really is. The government legitimises it, and we all say ‘ok cool, that’s safe’. It’s glamourised on telly. Culturally it’s a phenomenon that goes back to the dawn of time. But for a lot of us (probably more than would care to admit it) it’s actually incredibly problematic.
It’s such a hard thing to leave behind because humans just really love getting pissed, it’s a very social and uniting thing to do and let’s be honest, it’s fun. I LOVED drinking. Really really loved it. Breaking up with it has been one of the hardest relationships I’ve ever untangled myself from. And honestly I mourn it regularly. Which you’re probably not meant to say, but I do. Less so these days, but it happens on occasion. Even armed with the knowledge it’s a huge trick and my life is better without it. I particularly miss the totally legitimised loss of control. There’s nowhere else in life you can do that really. Just basically lose your shit, black out, totally switch off your brain and lose control of your body. And everyone just thinks it’s fun. I miss that.
But, there’s an awful lot I wish I’d known sooner.
I wish I’d known that actually, I don’t have Generalised Anxiety Disorder like the psychotherapist said I did, I just needed to pull back on the poison I was pumping into myself multiple times a week.
I wish I’d known that it would take a lot longer than 3 months (more like two years) for my body to heal from the aggressive, mind altering substance I’d become so reliant on. That even after stopping drinking it would take continued anxiety and a nasty bout of depression over a number of months, before my body and brain could rebalance.
I wish I’d known that actually, I don’t have any confidence because I never bothered to build any. Didn’t need to because I had wine! Crumbs, the events I’ve ruined. The dangerous situations I’ve been in. The poor choices. But the fun, the LOLs, the sense of adventure and limitless possibilities. I’ve taken jobs drunk that I’d never have dreamed of taking sober, as I wouldn’t have dared. I’ve lost jobs drunk, that I’d have really wanted sober, because I was scared to think bigger. Booze was my biggest cheerleader and my worst enemy. I’ve had a bash at most of the obvious recreational drugs - but nothing hits like good old booze! But the thing I really wish I’d known is that for me, alcohol creates so many more problems than it solves.
So yes, to answer this most tricky of questions I do ‘feel better’ alcohol free. In fact I probably feel the best I’ve ever felt, and in the lead up to the age of 40 I’m really fucking pleased about that. But it’s not been achieved without some pretty sticky low points, and honestly even though I knew going alcohol free was good for me, I’ve not always felt better for it.
For now that’s where I’ll leave this introduction because there’s so much more to say, but I’m off out for a mega booze-free lunch with my mega husband, so the rest can wait for another day.
LG x
Living Epically Alcohol Free